Why do we have the internet? It's broken. Please stop it.
-Bob, on horrifying websites
She is good-looking and brainy, for that she earns a free half-hour session of oral sex from me.
-Tim B.
No time traveler EVER has a non-hostile agenda.
-Dale Sheldon
Holy shit! Sex with boys leads to prostitution! I thought it was full of vitamins!
-Jameel
Yer one-a them thar Doo-alists, aintcha? Wahl, this ere's a Mah-teer-ylist place, so's ah figger you'd jest better akeep on walkin.
-Marc G, on philosophy
Some of these hearts taste just like a hair salon!
-Gwen, on candy hearts
A thought provoking tale of one man's fight to end discrimination against the undead by going up into space and killing all the horny teenagers.
-Mike King, describing Friday the 13th, Part 10
Sodomy: Syskel and Ebert give it one thumb up.
-Math Laura, on sodomy
Anything other than "I would be happy to be forever trapped with you on a desert island with no other sentient companionship" falls out of my comfort zone.
-Math Laura, on relationships
Whenever you have a girlfriend and get sex whenever you want it, you save a shitload of mental energy and think of math and shit. That abstinence crap in high school severely hurts our childrens' grades."
-Matt Tornowske
And Nick should be replaced by a robot. But not just any robot, a robot that can think for itself, and feel emotions, and knows the pain behind a child's smile. And then that robot should be replaced with a different, more objective robot. Who would then be replaced with a drinking bird toy.
-Fred
I thought the whole point of omnipotence was that you didn't need to muck about with means to a goal. You could just cause the goal, and spend the rest of day surfing the web.
-Marc, on an omnipotent God
Chad,
please make sense.
Love,
Jesus
-Erik, on Chad's ramblings
You refuse to quantify emotion with mathematical formulae! I sodomize!
-Chris, on philosophy
Is it really that demanding? Like it's an actual struggle to keep yourself from trying to stick your pee-pee in someone's hoo hoo (poopy or non-poopy) and move it around?
-Laura Marsh, on males resisting their sexual urges
Everyone who wanders through Fresno is technically in a confused state.
-Fred, on Anne Heche
You have to remember the old rhyme:
"Beer and liquor, you're a dumbass. Only drink whiskey, it's all good."
Yeah, it doesn't rhyme. So what? Whiskey is my friend.
-Jameel, on drinking
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
THIS LOLLIPOP IS FIREBALL FLAVORED
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
STUPID TRAPPED LOLLIPOP
I GET NO ENJOYMENT FROM THEE, DECEIVER
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADSJVGSDAS
-Chris
That woman's crippled. She's got a bad head.
-Chuck Werner Sr. (my grandfather)
There are some people that just really need to die. And not in a quick painless way, but in a way that they'll remember after death to teach them how fucking god-awful stupid they were.
-Thomas Constantine
Quick! Someone get me pregnant!
-Pnaomi
I really think you should bring that up in your next call..
"Hello, have you considered switching to MCI lon..."
"How the hell do you do it? How do you goddamn telemarkters always know when I'm not wearing any pants? Tell me the secret of your pants knowledge, phone slave!"
-John-Eric, on telemarketers
I come when called. But that's only becuase I have my cell phone set on 'vibrate'.
-John-Eric
Well, it's horse for one. And it's meat. And it's horse. It goes nehhhhh. You ride it. It's not for eating. It's like taking a baby to the movies. Babies don't like movies. Don't eat horse.
-Erik, on eating horse
'Cause drinking, watching Troma movies, and cleaning cars at 2 in the morning is what life is all about.
-John-Eric
You know, it says something about me that someone felt the need to create a middle finger emoticon while talking to me.
- Nikki, when I invented a middle- finger emoticon to use on her
I believe you left that in my pants, because you were in them last.
- Nej
One of the eldest. Meaning the guy who's 40 and STILL not tired of acting like a goddamned vampire.
- Nej, on Elder vampires
I am extremely open- minded, especially to the truth.
- name omitted to protect the moronic
Today I got an e- mail from someone who said 'Hell I from Taiwan.' That was it. So I answered 'Hell I from Amelica.'
- Nej
Physical pain is a distraction from emotional pain? Shit, man, I must be doing something wrong!
- Jameel on pain
I really hope you're at soccer today, because then we'll see who is the tosser, and who is the tossee.
- Ira, to Erik, on salad- tossing
Mommeeee!!! No- one wants to derive ontological constructs from the decontextualization of a priori knowledge with meeee!!!
- Marc G., on religious arguments
All wear black and can do no wrong.
- Jason Patton, on LARPers
I discovered that I can jerk off to the DoubleTree Entertainment Guide, so I'm saving the $9.95 on the Pay Per View Adult channel this afternoon.
- name omitted to protect the guilty
i am trying to make a quotes page, but i keep forgetting quotes...i have 1 so far
- John Meier
I don't know about the soccer game, but the sleeper game is still on. It's a lot like soccer, only you just lie there, you don't move much, and you're asleep. Oh, and you can use your hands.
- Jameel, on soccer
wow, some jackass actually had enough free time to compose a poem with the sole intent of bothering a fictional cow
- Jai
D'oh! This isn't sex! It's a decapitated monkey head in a brown paper bag!
- Fred, on religion (strangely enough)
last night i acheived one of the things i'd like to do before i die: swerve out of the way of the lamp post and not die.
- mikeking
Oh, wait, that's not hate, that's grape jelly. Now I know I need a bath.
- Fred
Dear god, I *am* gay.
- Nick
I'm sorry you live in France, sir.
- Bob, on France's poor internet routing
I diablerize you for your honey- called ways.
- Erik, upset that this cute chick called me, 'honey'
He shrugs for every damn thing. He's the single most apathetic person I know.
- Jameel al- Khafiz, on Eric Pronko
At least they haven't arrived at the obvious answer - Pulled over, without my license while taking swings from a Baccardi 151, shifting uncomfortably from the pound of crack stuck up my ass and playing with the unlicensed gun used to kill a cop execution style, who's body is currently stuffed in the trunk while a 14 year old illegal immigrant prostitute fucks it so I can sell the tape to minors over the internet.
- John- Eric, on the worst possible day one could have
Then they started cleaning the plane. That took an amazingly large amount of time. They said that since the flight came in from Seattle, it would take longer than usual to clean. Apparently people from Seattle are foul.
- Sameer, on flying
Is that supposed to be self- deprecating or just pathetic?
- Kevin, on fancy titles
He has no idea what he's talking about. In fact, I don't even know what he's talking about, except to know that he has no idea either.
- Kevin, on buzzwords
So I decided you're a gingersnap, because they always kind of annoyed me, cause they're hard to bite into, but then they're yummy, so you keep eating them.
- Laura Marsh, on what food I might be
I feel no pity for FrontPage guy.
- Eric Pronko
Woman1: I know it's tradion and all, but there's no way I'm sticking a pickle in my pig's ass!
Woman2: It's easier that way.
- a conversation overheard by Fred
Personally I think people just need to get over it and admit that we unethical and immoral people. I know 100% for sure that I am.
- Matt Monroe, the Mormon
Dogs have facial expressions. But why are they all sad? Except for puppies. Maybe they lose their spunk at an old age and are just not happy. That's why their faces are always droopy and frowning.
- John Meier, on doggie facial expressions
I bite my nails. But I have no idea how that relates to a mouse orgasming to death.
- John Meier, on mousey- orgasm- death
... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in healthy, hearty laughter - - at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.
- H. Allen Smith, Rude Jokes
He can't move his legs, dumbass.
- Eric Pronko, on Rodimus Prime
i dunno... it's passed my fancy for the moment. I want a scooter now.
- daisy
Man, he sure is porking her.
- Eric Pronko, on porn
I poo for Allah!
- Jameel al Khafiz, on email discussion lists
Wow! I just experienced a neurological thingie!
- John- Eric, on Psychology
It's the 14th, man! Get a girl!
- Elaine, on Valentine's Day
Isn't your family tied to the mob?
"Yeah, we made their hats."
- Cort and Elaine, on Elaine's family
Isn't Hoth Tatooine?
- Elaine, confused about Star Wars
If a sheep is going to spend the night at your place, it should sleep on the couch... or at least in the bathtub.
- Katy Reimer, on relationships
Not only is my opinion biased, it's better.
- Brian Thomas Applewhite
Chuck, compared to most of the engineering students here, I'm Don Juan.
- Chuck Gerner, referring to Case Western
I used to hate Barbies because they couldn't frown.
- Daisy, on toys
It's two syllables, though. I'm worried.
- Fred Z., when we tried to replace the word 'pretentious' with a two- syllable nonsense word
Y'know, I probably ought to be more decisive.
- Fred Zeleny, on his waffling
Don't make me play spoons on your head.
- Nick DeWitt, trying to prove he has rythym
Not on your computer, stinky.
- Nick DeWitt
Story of my life - Full tank of gas and nowhere to go.
- Matthew "WOOD!" Wood, on life
Once you buy into all that immortal soul shit, all your priorities change.
- Professor Vladamir Padunov, on religion
My view on religion is that no one should push their views on religion, unless you're a religious leader, which I'm not, so don't listen to me.
- Crazy Jim Sager
In the end, there is no philosophy... only turtles.
- Dan McLaughlin
I couldn't find my sweatshirt because I was wearing it.
- Nicole Taube Sebek
Things a small chunks of stuff that behave in a pretty fucked up manner if you try to look too close.
- The Beatus Fungo, when asked to sum up quantum physics in one sentence
god damn girls
the good looking ones always have men
why is that?
because they look good
that is why
damnit
- Angelo Rometo, on dating
Every time man finds a chick who'll take good care of his balls for him, an angel gets its wings.
- Hal Phillips, on relationships
After you finish your homework, take a nap. It's Matt who isn't sleeping, not you.
- A very sleepy Meghan Gonick to Matt Bourland
If you take my stuff and your stuff together, we can make one big stuff.
- Meghan again, in her sleep
That's like using a cannon to shoot down a cracker!
- Chun Liu, Differential Equtions Instructor
Every man has the right to dig his own grave, and I have the right to sell them the shovels.
- Traditional Discordian Saying
Conventional standards say that I'm too young to fight conventional standards.
- Matt Tornowske
Time flies when you're wasting it.
- Matthew "WOOD!" Wood
The pawn is the most important piece... to a pawn...
- Dave Beddick
You're lucky, in a way, to be surrounded by idiots. You never forget your roots.
- Kilroy